Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
