I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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