did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
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Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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