You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
