Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
