Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
