yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
