She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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