Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
