Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
