fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
