I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
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You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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