oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
