i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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