In the future we'll all be gay
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
