Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she pinky promised me she was 18
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
