I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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