It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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