Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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