The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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