i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
