I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Why are your pants in the freezer?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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