If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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