I should be sponsored by Trojan
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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