This is not my ceiling
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
