Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
