tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
