my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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