I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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