I must be too annoying 4 u.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
