just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
