standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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