im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
