remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
