Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
