Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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