I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
