oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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