so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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