So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
