apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
