i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
