People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
