shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
