I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
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If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.