I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
