i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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