I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
