At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
