I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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