when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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