Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
