Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
