He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
