He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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