You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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