The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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