I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
