dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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