I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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